Monday 11 December 2017

Deja Poo

You'd think, being a middle aged adult, I'd have a better handle on the mind games my negative inner voice likes to let loose with if at all given the opportunity. Sadly, it seems like anytime there's stress or pressure in other parts of my life it seems to creep into my general horsey outlook and confidence too.
Yep, here we go again with the random confidence issues.

Saturday, G came up to the barn to help me set up an awesome jump course. It was fun to set up, and I was excited. Then I started warming B up, and was like "Actually, I feel a little nervous right now". So, we jumped a smaller vertical a few times, and I pretended to be confident. Midge was on fire.

Gangster pony

We then had this conversation:

Midge: "YAASSSS!JUMPING! Let me gallop, please, please, let me gallop"
Me: "No, actually, please let's just keep it to a working canter"
Midge, 5 or 6 strides out: "But I see it! We need to move up to this, trust me!"
Me: "No, lets add...oh no that's not going to work...ok fine, GO!" *awkwardly buries pony*
Midge: "You suck!!!" *gets head down on backside of jump, crowhops a few times and I roll off over her shoulder*
Me, to G: "OMG, did you see that? She's feeling way to good!"
G: "I saw her do...something. She barely bucked and you fell off."

Thanks for the understanding and support, G and B :)

My brain: "That really was the lamest way to fall off ever. Wow, you really suck!"
Me: "Shut up. I want to jump stuff, and you need to shut up so I can get that done today"
My brain: "Go ahead, try, but you'll never be any good at this!"

Sidenote for Canadian friends: They have this at the grocery store now! Happy, comfort indulgence in chocolate-y sugar form after a cold and miserable day.

So, that's the story of how I had a minor meltdown for no special reason, but still made myself jump most of the course. When G pushed me for a reason why I was so frustrated with myself/needed to jump anything, I was like:

-You helped me build a course so now I need to jump it. It's ungrateful not to.

?

-Midge is having so much fun. I'm letting her down if I don't do this.

?

- OK, but I need to get better.

?

-Because I can't keep doing the same height forever and I need to move up.

?

-Because I don't know why.

Being the awesome guy he is, he gently offered to come back and help me build a new course on Sunday. To which I said no one needs to suffer adults having tantrums and we went for a nice trail ride instead.
Lake view yesterday

The End :)








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27 comments

  1. No I swear my inner voice has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I used to NGAF

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    1. Mine has thankfully got kinder as the years roll on, but I guess that's not saying much, lol

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  2. Ah yes - the ole "if I'm not progressing then I'm failing" mentality. I've got it baaaad too. Falling off is never fun. Falling off in front of loved ones who aren't super-horsey is worse. Glad you were able to shake it off and get to that gorgeous view! :)

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    1. No progress definitely seems to equal failure to my deja poo voice. Trail rides are always my happy place!

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  3. I totally had that mental meltdown today when Opie clobbered through a jump he'd just gone over beautifully three times in a row and I was like, "Yep. Ruining the horse. Can't jump for shit. Better just stick with dressage forever since clearly I can't do anything right." You know, because that was the only logical thought process for a 4yo two months off the track cantering jumps for the second time ever.

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    1. I feel like we are all on the same wavelength here b/c same.

      I had a meltdown a few weeks ago b/c my green 5 year old mare who hasn't been in consistent work since October decided to not stand at the mounting block and it took me *gasp* FIVE WHOLE MINUTES before I could mount. #forSUREruiningthehorse

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    2. Yep, I am terrible for focusing on the one negative thing and worrying my horse/my riding is now ruined for life.

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  4. I have the same meltdowns! But I get mad at Husband because Husband's all, "It's not I'm, it's you," and I KNOW he's right but HE'S not the one on the 1200 lb animal that spooks at a random leaf. But good for you for getting back on and jumping around even though your brain was total against you.

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    1. Exactly! I'm like "Can we at least give a small amount of blame to pony who was crowhopping (I swear! It happened!) even though really any half ass rider should have been able to push through and keep going?"

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  5. yes...that annoying awful inner voice. I know that feeling. My trainer and I decided to come up with visual for my inner voice, and sometimes I have to mentally yell at it to shut it. i get totally humiliated that I let that inner voice rule me, but it's just an inner voice. You are awesome and going to get better! Glad you got to enjoy a trail ride break!

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    1. Ha! I love the idea for visualizing the Deja Poo voice. Obviously it's a dude, obviously he's a jerk, likely of the overgrown child bully variety. And, there is poo involved somehow :)

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  6. ugh I HATE FALLING OFF. i esp hate falling off for no real reason LOL (Umm jump judge did you have to put your ubmrella up as i cantered by on course. THUD sack of potatoes hitting ground. Remus looking down at me, whatcha you down there for mom? OMG FLASHBACKS :) HA I am glad you went on a trail ride on Sunday instead of stressing! Winter sucks. BUT SPRING IS COMING I SEE IT SLOWLY SLOWLY COMING. and deja poo i am totally using that sometime!

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    1. It was a slow mo land on your feet one where I had all the time in the world to ponder how I hate falling off :)

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  7. yup - know all about this. in fact, i think 70% of my Annie blog posts are about me worried i"m ruining her lol

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    1. Yep, I'm learning it's a thing with more finished horses too, "Oh sorry coach, I think I just ruined your upper level horse!"

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  8. i resemble all of the above remarks... solidarity, yo!

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    1. SO much solidarity being shown in these comments! <3

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  9. I like that saying "Deja Poo". I totally hate that inner voice it sucks and needs to die, though to quell the one comment about moving up. No one needs to move up, you don't have to if you don't want to. If you want to that's a different story, but there is absolutely no shame in staying at a level you are comfortable with.

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    1. Oh, but I NEED to move up, lol. My pride is at stake :) Just kidding, you're exactly right, and I'd never, ever, judge anyone else for staying where they are happy. My deja poo voice only picks on me!

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  10. I have that inner voice too. :D

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  11. I am far too familiar with all these feelings, though on the verge of being okay with starter level for life. :)

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    1. I think we discussed this before - how awesome it would be to have starter/pre entry height event series that would increase in complexity as you went along rather than height.

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  12. Your inner voice of deja-poo sounds A LOT like my demon butterfly!

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    1. Your demon butterfly has a deja poo friend!

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  13. I think we've all got that same inner voice! It's very busy talking to all of us haha

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    1. Seriously, where does it find the time? :)

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